MUSTA KUU

in a relationship. gay. not interested

Mon, 26 Nov 2007 18:18:21 GMT

any other reasons maybe that I am still a single?

Oh, I forgot: too young. yes, I am not kidding...but well, that´s just stupid me...I am always liking people which just don´t have any interest in me and make me feel hurt. It is horrible, somehow I cannot oppress those feelings anymore, or maybe I just dunnot wanna oppress my feelings anymore.

I am not hiding the fact that I am lonely, why should I?

ah well, I stop talking now. It´s just nonsense.

Yesterday- and having a complete new feeling for myself

Sun, 25 Nov 2007 16:44:03 GMT

Been to Wuppertal yesterday, to meet Dennis (whom I met at the Apo gig in Hattingen) and his friends...

Before I wasn´t really sure if I´d get along with his friends because, well, I actually don´t know why I had this fear...Stupid I can call it now, when lookign back.

It´s been a great time, I felt so good being with all of them...

And they gave me a complete new feeling for myself- I am gonna dress myself gothic from now on, use more make-up, I will just do live the way I wanna. That´s what they showed me in a way...and that´s pretty cool I think :)

Lonkero and Slash FFs...

Fri, 23 Nov 2007 21:35:50 GMT

====> very amusing thoughts...well, not amusing, but very dirty...damned, I shouldn´t be drinking alcohol and then reading those stories of Japa and Kris, my minds picturing everything and getting even more nice thoughts...yummie...^^

Uhm yeah, I am a perv, I know *laughing*. And I am proud to be *giggling*

Tue, 20 Nov 2007 18:53:28 GMT

okay. I am once more going the wrong way, stumbling, no running into the wrong direction. Fuck, and there is noone stopping me. Sure, protecting me from myself is way too difficult...and a 24-7 job...

Why am I giving in again? Why? Why am I unable to say the truth, why can´t I be once honest? Why is it that hard for me to say it is over, that I dunnot wanna see him anymore, that....FUCK IT! I am sick and tired of myself. I am going on playing this damned and fucking role I was playing already for ages. And I simply cannot stop it because I seem to be stuck in that role...how the hell do I get out of there again...I really do need a damned good plan for that now. As soon as possible I need this plan. I should have had that plan rather yesterday than tomorrow. Oh hell, into what I´ve been stumbling again...and why for god´s sake is this person exisiting anyways? and still exisiting in my goodamned life? oh yeah, shit, I forgot. he is my boss...This is a wicked situation, and definetely "wicked" does NOT mean something positive in this case. It sucks. It really does and shit. Why did this have to happen today?

Going to school tomorrow with the fear of a school-massacre and all the damned stuff with that male in my head AND writing a classtest is really not the best combination one could have. That´s for sure.

Damn, why do I not know what I am feeling? It is so strange...

You know, and once more I am wondering if I should maybe do a final cut and leave Gothic and Art and everything concerning it behind me. That it belongs to my past, that it is over and not connected to me anymore. That I can just forget and work on forgetting it.

I think I will maybe cut it off right after the new year started. New year, new start, new life...

Liar liar, I´m a liar...

Tue, 20 Nov 2007 18:07:54 GMT

Liar, liar I'm a liar

I tell myself that I don't need any more of your love

I can't deny you - although I try to

Even when you break my heart I can't get enough

'Cause I'm in a state of grace

As soon as I see your face

I'm in another place

Turn me inside out

Turn me outside in

Girl you spin me round

'Till I can't feel anything

Just when I think this ride

Is comin' to an end

Girl you turn me inside out again

When it's over, it's never over

Your love is like the seasons baby,
it comes and it goes

You say you're leavin',
but you don't mean it

You just want to play the role,
everyone knows, oh…

As sure as the air I breathe

Girl it's a certainty

You're comin' back to me

With you I never ever seem to know

Exactly where I am

With you I never ever seem to know

Exactly where I stand

Every time I try to let go

You say you love me again

Turn me inside out

Turn me outside in

Turn me inside out

planned school-shooting at my school...o.O

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 22:38:04 GMT

It is scary, It is really scary how fast things can be touching me, you know, a few days just something on TV.

And now we had no lessons today (and no school tomorrow) because there had someone written in the toilets that there´d be a highschool massacre tomorrow. At my school. Fuck, how do I feel now? I mean, I cannot believe it in a way, you know, I simply don´t wanna believe that there is such a dangerous idiot at my school. Fuck. I am scared. YOu know, trying to make jokes about it, laugh about the whole just to pretend to be not afraid. Hell, how I got used to pretending.

I am so damned emotional the last days thanks to my hormons playing crazy in my body, and somehow it is all getting too much for me.

I have no clue why the fuck all the memories of my dead cousin are so present again. I just dunnot know. It is like I connect everything concerning death with him...Maybe I should go and see my mental-doc again, maybe I should just try to take a deep breath and calm down. But I just have no clue how I shall get that working...I feel like there is something following me, something that doesn´t want to stop bothering me...Which is grabbing my mind and whatever and making me feel so strange...

Klubi...

Sun, 18 Nov 2007 20:04:59 GMT

It is "funny" how one place has completely changed meanings for me inbetween 6 months. I guess it sort of couldn´t be more changed than in this case. Ok, a worse case can always happen, but well...

Thinking back to April and to Klubi- meeting Masa the first time without any other band-members. It was all those complicated, but back then we got along quite well despite the fact that we both are not that talkative. It was a nice meeting, I felt like we´d have sort of a loose friendship aswell besides Bloodpit.

About half a year later, things have completely changed. The same place, another time. We weren´t "supposed" to meet, at least we didn´t plan to see each other because I understand something quite different under the word "to meet", so...Anyways, it turned out to be the place destroying anything that´s ever been between us. It all fell sort of apart, unfortunately.

And no, I am not crying after him, no. Oh shit, yeah, I do. It must be obvious how much he meant to me, not because I was a fan of the band he managed, no, aswell he himself did mean so much to me. I am still wondering what he had been thinking about me before that incident and then after it...so what he´s thinking about me now...

And still, it is like pain in the ass to think back to that evening in Klubi, and yeah, shame on me being a fucking emotional person, I am still nearly crying. You know, the more I think about it, the more I wonder what he really meant to me.

It is a shame that it all broke just because of this evening...this evening where nothing happened...

:(

Brokenhearted (by Alucard)

Sat, 17 Nov 2007 23:11:35 GMT

Forget all this time

You were mine

Cause nothing

Will ever happen

Between us

And forget the smile on my face

Leave me alone

Let me imagine

That nothing has happened

But it’s too late

I’m brokenhearted

Forget all this time

Your body close to mine

Cause darkness and cold

Have come between us

Come on baby

Copyright by Ced Dorian.

Durden....Nitrokiss...

Fri, 16 Nov 2007 20:20:43 GMT

Well, when I saw him live in September I already thought that he looked quite alike to Jyrki from The 69 Eyes. But it got even worse o.O. I am now watching the livestream of a gig from Turku and qoah, scary. He is so alike it already starts to scare me. Honestly, the look, the acting, the gestures and facial expressions...just like Jyrki. And well, you know what my opinion and experience with Jyrki is like and yeah, somehow it scares the hell outta me. Especially when thinking back toi the interview I had with him in TRE..."Sex-addicted..." and the staring at my breasts...you know, that all just reminds me on the stuff that happened at Amphi Festival 2006 with Jyrki...It seems to be like he is trying to copy Jyrki´s style because he has no fucking own identity, and that´s quite poor in my opinion.

You know, and in the same row it reminde me of the whole evening...a mixture of disappointment, happiness, joy and tears...The biggest disappointment was Durden (Nitrokiss) coming firstly way too late for the interview and then being everything but not polite to me and well...it sucked. It really did. The contrast to that was the interview with Ville from Deep Insight, it was sucha great time and I really enjoyed the time talking and flirting and joking with him...it´s been actually the best time of that whole evening. Tears, yeah, thanks Masa. It is not just me who did possibly a mistake, no, he could have talked to me aswell...and well, he is good at ignoring me and that´s still very frustrating actually. I mean, yeah, I might have had to talk to him since he was sitting close to me. But I just didn´t feel like it. It made me cry, it really did. Sort of running outside of Klubi and sitting down alone was my recation on the whole pressure and sort of pain...you know, in addition it´s been my last whole day in Tampere and Finland...and that all was quite much to get coping with to be honest...

Now I know....

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 17:30:01 GMT

...why I do get along that good with Perttu....

Guess he isn´t surrounded by many female fans not being completely crazy about him and acting worse than teenagers would do *shakes head*. When reading such posts like the one I am gonna post on here a few lines below I feel ashamed that such a person calls herself fan. This is just sick. Not normal anymore....Yuck!

"Perttu, you are the wildest man ever!
Hi Perttu,

I was on Apo concert in Wroclaw, club W-Z. It couldn't be better then. I love your behavior on the scence. You are really wild. It's fantastic. I will never forget when you were playing one meter in front of me that I could touch your hair and cello! And when you were playing Refuseresist you were screaming so loud that I heard your voice. And after the show you were in the bus and i was begging Eicca to ask you for come out. And then you came out and I saw you with hair in chaos. You looked like a young god. I was really lucky becouse I had the time to talked to you and took some photos. You promised me to come back to Pland very soon and I promised to do everything to be there. I love you and all Apocalyptica but this love is not love of stupid teenager. I can't life without Apocalyptica and your energy.

Perttu, please write something to me! I beg you! I need it to return to life."

No, of course it has nothing to do with acting like a teenager, and an grown-up woman would talk and write and act like this...oh hell, that´s just to laugh about...poor girl, believing her behaviour would be normal...Jesus, I feel so sorry for Perttu *still shaking head*, I mean, it is great that people like him but such stuff is just, uargh. Luckily I´ve NEVER been like this, and never will be like this hopefully. At least I do realize when I am acting teeny XD

Silbermond - Das Beste

Wed, 14 Nov 2007 19:42:18 GMT

Ich habe einen Schatz gefunden,

und er trägt Deinen Namen

So wunderschön und wertvoll,

und mit keinem Geld der Welt zu bezahlen

Du schläfst neben mir ein,

ich' könnt Dich die ganze Nacht
betrachten

Seh'n wenn Du schläfst,

hör'n wie Du atmest,

bis wir am Morgen erwachen

Du hast es wieder mal geschafft,

mir den Atem zu rauben

Wenn Du neben mir liegst,

dann kann ich es kaum glauben

Dass jemand wie ich

so was schönes wie Dich verdient hat

Du bist das Beste, was mir je passiert ist,

es tut so gut, wie Du mich liebst

Vergess' den Rest der Welt,

wenn Du bei mir bist

Du bist das Beste, was mir je passiert ist,

es tut so gut, wie Du mich liebst

Ich sag's Dir viel zu selten:

es ist schön, dass es Dich gibt!

hey...

Dein Lachen macht süchtig, fast so,

als wär' es nicht von dieser Erde

Auch wenn Deine Nähe Gift wär',

ich würd' ich bei Dir sein,

solange, bis ich sterbe

Dein Verlassen würde Welten zerstören,

doch daran will ich nicht denken

Viel zu schön ist es mit Dir,

wenn wir uns gegenseitig Liebe schenken

Betank mich mit Kraft,

nimm mir Zweifel von den Augen

Erzähl' mir tausend Lügen,

ich würd' sie Dir alle glauben

Doch ein Zweifel bleibt,

dass ich jemand wie Dich verdient hab'

Du bist das Beste, was mir je passiert ist,

es tut so gut, wie Du mich liebst

Vergess' den Rest der Welt,

wenn Du bei mir bist

Du bist das Beste, was mir je passiert ist,

es tut so gut, wie Du mich liebst

Ich sag's Dir viel zu selten:

es ist schön, dass es Dich gibt!

hey...

Wenn sich mein Leben überschlägt,

bist Du die Ruhe und die Zuflucht

Weil alles, was Du mir gibst,

einfach so unendlich gut tut

Wenn ich rastlos bin,

bist Du die Reise ohne Ende

Und deshalb leg' ich meine kleine grosse Welt

in Deine schützenden Hände

Du bist das Beste, was mir je passiert ist,

es tut so gut, wie Du mich liebst

Vergess' den Rest der Welt,

wenn Du bei mir bist

Du bist das Beste, was mir je passiert ist,

es tut so gut, wie Du mich liebst

Ich sag's Dir viel zu selten:

es ist schön, dass es Dich gibt!

hey...

And who´s loving me? My parents. Yeah great, that´s for what I am longing. I feel lonely and left out alone, I feel like nothing is working out at the moment and well...I mean, I am a good actress so noone actually guesses how I do feel in reality, because I so got used to play a role in front of everyone. Surely it does hurt, but rather I get this pain than any other. I am used to it. I just want someone to love me besides my parents. One person. I know, I am not the easiest one to love, and music does matter very much to me since in hard situations I didn´t have anything but music to help and strenghten me. And I think the thing in my life, that will always influence me most will always stay music. Because I live for music, I know though, that this is probably my problem...but hell, music does heal my wounds, takes away all the pain and fear spinning around in my head. Fuck, here in Germany never someone male just looked at me. I feel so worthless, so unwanted. Hey, am I ugly? Sure, I am not the most beautiful one...I don´t have a perfect body...yeah sure, character matters..but can you see someone´s character when you look at her? No. Unfortunately. Ok, well, maybe noone would like my character...

Hell, I know I just have to stop living just for music. But it is like the rope someone threw towards me when I was short time before drowning. And now I have to let go this, concentrate on school. But I simply cannot stop living just for music. You know, you could take away possibly everything, but the only thing that would kill me is when someone would take away everything that has to do with music...

And yeah, I am sitting here and crying, I even don´t try to hide the fact, because it is normal for me.

Tears for your Soul

Fri, 09 Nov 2007 23:49:29 GMT

There are memories in your mind

To survive you have to find

Find a way how you can bear them

Must expect the time of pain

Must realize your tears are rain

Overflow the things of sorrow

All the tears are for your soul

All the pain creates a hole

These feelings complete your love

Start to cry ‘cause you will gore

The burning blade will gore your core

With all your power you must fight

Feel your hope, never give up

Stand with power in this mud

You have friends, which are your support

Necessity is a word

This word describes you in your world

Don’t forget you’re really loved

If you never let them out

Your depressions will be clouds

They will hide the sunbeams of life

You must talk about the pain

Never your tears will be in vain

That’s your way, Complete your memories

(C) Lyrics by Drow

I pray for them not to stop playing, fuck...I dont know why I am so emotional about every piece of shit in my damned life -.-

a bit of BAD Finnish

Fri, 09 Nov 2007 15:19:52 GMT

Alright...Today I´ve been to school finally again, but well, at least for four lessons. After those four boring but aswell tiring lessons I was sort of done, I wasn´t able to concentrate anymore and felt sick and weak again. Got to my dad´s car and drove home and when lying in my bed I really fell asleep very fast...and dreamed masses of strange shit actually...

Tänään on ruma ruma ilma mutta minä en tarkkaan ;) - minä minä tulen olemaan UFOssa (Drow are playing there^^)

minä olin VHSssa ja minä opettelin
soumalainen eilen (aaaaargh, it is soo hard -.-).

My finnish is so fucked up, argh, it gets annoying for me somehow...I can talk about the fact that a damned cat was stuck in a forest but...tends to be frustrating somehow...

No more "Nothing else matters" please...

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 14:46:59 GMT

Oh what would I do for a gig of Apo without them playing "Nothing else matters"?

I´d do sooo many things...

I´d clean their shoes, clean their cellos, be their idiot for everything, clean the bathroom in the bus (uargh), fold their clothes, go jogging with Paavo, carry their water bottles and towels and whatever...

But guess whatever I´d do for that, this miracle will never come true...

And after the AMsterdam and Brussels gig I will be mentally gone, will be mentally broke and dead.

Apocalyptica in Hattingen (23/10/2007)

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 14:05:03 GMT

I slowly try to cope with the stuff, so it is gonna take a while since it all had been more emotional for me than I actually expected it to be like.

It´s been quite a surprise that I attended the gig...it all started with a winning game and the thoughts that I would never win those twickets, but soon after the winning game was over, I had my email-confirmation that I won two tickets for the show. It´s been clear for me to take my dad with me because he´d be the one to drive me there *laughing*. So that I won those tickets I was already quite excited about the gig, but when I then won a Meet and Greet with the band it was over for me. The days before the gig and meeting I was nervous like hell, like I had never met the band before. There was the fear of them having changed, there was hope and so many other emotions already at this point.

The the day of the gig. I left school much earlier than I was actually allowed to and the met up with Vicki and so we drove to Hattingen in my dad´s car. My nervousity was rising and rising and well. It´s been nice to meet Renee and Christien again though both of them together are quite hard to handle *laughing*, they are just too crazy about Antero ;). Nevertheless, when I arrived there weren´t that many people queueing, what was quite good...The meet and greet took place way later than it was supposed to take place because the band had a signing session in Hagen and returned quite late to the venue. Anyways, Christien and Renee saved me a place in frontrow right in front of ANtero and Perttu. About which I first wasn´t that pleased. Anyhow, then I got together with the other fans for the meet and greet and well, I felt good but undescribable nervous, nervous in a negative way of feeling that way.

The meet and greet was lovely, standing there I felt like I wouldn´t belong there though. But when looking at Perttu it was clear that he must have been thinking the same about standing there. It wa slike people on my right and left talking and talking and so it was for Perttu, but noone actually talked really with him and I didn´t want to ask something because I didn´t feel like taking the chance of other people asking them who hadn´t met them before...

When I was making my way to Perttu, I sort of hit a damned salad-bowl with fruit-salad in it. And well, Perttu grinned and took a piece of a pine-apple from the edge of the bowl, turned it with his fingers and put it back. I asked him if it was too healthy for him; surely with a smile and grin showing I wa skidding and then he took the same piece of pineapple again and turned it again and with a smile and a funny grin something like "healthy? thats not healthy at all, it is dangerous. it is brown. it is disgusting!"- trust me, we both had a hard time not to end up giggling like small children or endung up in a hugh laugh-attack. So that was actually the point where I started feeling good. No, actually it had been already the beginning of the meet and greet, which was quite funny. Mikko greeted me in finnish, but when I asked him in finnish how he was doing he answered me in English. Kiitos Mikko! Guess he didn´t think I would understand a thing more *laughing*. Then I nearly bumped into Perttu who did take some coffee from the machine and looked at me in a surprised way when he did a step back and saw me. Aswell Paavo remembered me thanks to my tendovaginitis and was again sort of caring about my health, lovely guy.

And that are the pics from the meet and greet:

Let´s start with Perttu, since I had so much with him about that damned pine-apple story *laughing*

Lovely caring Paavo

Mikko being nice as always

And there you go with Eicca, who gave me, as I figured out later, his lovely flue...

When the meet and greet was finished, Stam1na nearly had played already 20 of their 30 minutes and I was sort of pissed that I nearly missed their whole set because I was so looking forward to see them. At least those two songs I heard were enough to make me love them quite much! I am not gonna loose a word about Sturm und Drang though, I am not gonna waste any words for them. Sorry, but I just cannot stand them. Amen.

By the time it was short minutes before Apo were supposed to go on stage I was frontrow. Directly in front of Perttu. When they entered the stage I saw Perttu was looking for someone in the crowd, not thinking that this person could be ME o.O But it was me, and his smiles right for me made Renee and Christien laugh and I felt so good but aswell somehow embarassed, I mean, what did the people around me think about us? Us, yeah, there we go, Perttu and me. I shouldn´t talk about him and me as “us”, it sounds so stupid and couple-like *laughing*. That was actually through the whole that way that he was interacting really much with me, what was quite fun actually J. But there was a moment where I wanted not to be watched, but it wasn´t that way, unfortunately. You know, “Nothing else matters” breaks me down and kills me each time I hear it live and so it had been in Hattingen. The difference to those 5 times before were, that Perttu was watching me sort of hanging over the crash-barrier and been crying. Really been crying, I sort of broke down again, once more. I felt that he looked at me and when I looked to the stage I saw he was looking at me and it even made me feel worse because I didn´t want him to see my crying. It is stupid but the only person whom I´d allow to see me crying from Apocalyptica would be Paavo, because he is daddy-like for me. All in the show was great, I really loved it- especially the fact that Antero had awesomely much fun and was smiling so many times and laughing…it was fascinating, maybe the glowing cello has a good influence on him *giggling*.

After the show we first spend time finding each other, what wa spretty hard *laughing*. Then sat some time in the car and then waited outside for the guys and really had great fun because of our lovely security…and again when the guys came out, I mostly talked to Perttu because he stood there most of the time doing nothing, and so was I so…

All in all it was a great evening I did not wanna miss!

Many things on my mind...

Mon, 05 Nov 2007 20:35:06 GMT

Alright...well, actually I am not in the mood to write thing, but aswell I feel at the same second the urge to write what my hearts tells me and what it wants to tell me, wehat it wants to get said and out of the fucking damned world.

I feel like a piece of shit and noone can change that...noone. Well possibly there is someone out there in the cold world, and yes, I know who this person would be. I know it but won´t tell you because I think it is none of your business to know whose hug would make feel save. Noone has to know that, it would be an information which would neitehr help me nor the person reading this. It might be a waste of time to point that out but still I think it is and was and what the fuck, anyways, it was necessary to say that now . Once.

Firstly I am ill, and my flue gets worse and worse instead of better...this is pushing me down quite much because I haven´t seen anyone else than my mum, my dad and my doc since last wednesday. And that really drives me nuts. I am not a person needing people around me all the time, hell no. But still, I need someone. I need someone who is giving me warmth and the feeling that it is okay the way I am.

Guess why I seem just to be living for music. Guess what the reason is. Because there noone tells me it was wrong to be the way I am. Noone tells me that I have to change, what I have to do, that I would ruin my life with what I am doing. All what I am experiencing the last 1,5 weeks was warmth. And that was not at home. It was because of Apo. I realized what I did miss those 470 days, what I needed so bad but didn´t get. The power on stage, the power when playing, just the whole music by them gives me su much that I cannot put it inot words anymore. And there is no need to put it into words because music tells way more than words will ever be able to tell. The music gives me back what I lost, the confidence, the feeling I was alright, the power to get coping with everything in my life, the hope to be able to forget and to forgive. The hope I did loose during those 470 days. Long days. I mean, I cannot blame them and don´t have the rights to do that, but when I needed them most they were working on the new album, I would have needed them live. No matter what. But now everything is even more emotional for me, I never expected me to be so extremely emotional about a band. That never happened, and I can´t explain it to myself.

The show in Hattingen when I met them again, I gelt so right, I felt it was okay to be the way I am. I felt accepted, and Paavo for example remembering me made me feel so good. Nevertheless, "Nothing else matters" was killing me again, and again I felt how important Apocalyptica are for me. Each time hearing the song live I realize it is okay to miss my cousin, to cry because I miss my cousin, that it is natural that I aswell blame myself for his death. That this is not unnormal, that it is not something to be ashamed of. No, it is okay. Each time from new I discover I do have feelings and that I cannot and shouldn´t oppredd them all the time to look perfect. I realize that there are poeple out here you maybe like the real Carina more than the one which is the perfect actress and pretending she would be already. That I am fucking allowed to cry when I feel fucked up like I do feel now. I know, it is maybe not understandable for someone else how much those guys give me. They mean so much to me, maybe already too much. You know, I feel like I do get stuff there which I don´t get where I shoould get it in normal cases. I feel so fucking save when Paavo hugs me, when we´re talking I feel like he is really caring, and somehow that gives me so much. You know, it is not just Paavo, it is Perttu with the whole kind he is towards me, not to forget Mikko, Eicca is nice and caring aswell as I figured out in Cologne. My family is not hating me, it shouldn´t look like they wouldn´t love me, but for some reasons I feel like those guys give me way more than my parents will ever be able to give me once.

And the music, the main part in my life..."Conclusion", which was the first song I listened to after I arrived home when I got the news about my cousin´s suicide, "Nothing else matters" which will always remind me of his funeral, "Hope II" which was the first song ever I got of Apocalyptica by my cousin...Then the time my depressions got worse, "Farewell" and "Quutamo" made me just feel okay to cry, and from the recent album "I don´t care" was just the right song to explain my feelings for one person which hurt me...But still, I am so thankful to Perttu about writing "Conclusion" and I am happy he knows what I feel about it, it felt good having some messaging about it a while ago. I could tell about nearly every song what I do connect with it, and everything would make the whole even more emotional and me feeling even more crappy. But still, it is not only bad experiences and memories connected to the songs, all the great times I had thanks to the guys, all the nice people I met, all the fun I had...

SHit, now all of the feelings and thoughts and memories of my cousin are coming again, I cannot stop them again and I don´t want to oppress my feelings once more, I did it already way too often. It is 3 years ago, three long years, and nothing has changed for me. The feelings are still the same, the pain is as big as it had been back then, the wound is still as deep and as fresh as it had been back then. Then, yeah. Then. The day in the past about which I never thought that it would change my life that much as it the started to change. And I never thought that a song like "Nothing else matters" would ever cause me such a pain. I love the song, but still, it makes me so undescribable sad and depressed. I just have one wish: a show where Apo don´t play this song, a show where I don´t fall in piece and break down like a ice-statue for which it got too hot. I cannot take this pain anymore, it is like I´d kill my sould bit by bit each time I hear it live. Until now it´s been 6 times I had to hear it, 6 fucking hard times. In December two more times will follow, on days which follow each other. Two days in a row, each evening this song. I will completely break down, just the thought of it scares me. I don´t want to, I´d rob on my knees and nearly would do everything that Apo don´t play it then. I mean, it is not their fault that my cousin was too weak to live, that they played it at the funeral. No, it is for fuck´s sake not their fault. But still. Hearing twice in a week already killed me as I figured out in Cologne, where I sort of dropped on the floor, crying, shaking and shivering, full of pain. I don´t want all that pain ina show of the band I love and which means so much to me. And I cannot stand that anymore. It seems like it is getting worse each time I hear it live, that each time my pain grows, that each time I am breaking apart a bit more...Fuck, why did he have to do that just when we figured out that we had Apocalyptica in common? Why did he promise that he is going to go with me on the first Apocalyptica gig? Why? And why did he never fulfill this promise? Why did he leave? Why did he leave me alone here, why... why did he make me cry... why did he do that just some time after we got to know we had more in common than we always thought? when I started loving him even more? Or was it Gode who made him leave, who dragged him into suicide? Wasn´t it you who was claimed to be forgiving? And what did he do that he had to die? Was it you you not existing bastard? Someone please tell me...please...*crying*...

Sorry, it gets too much for me at the moment...

Soon updates!

Sun, 04 Nov 2007 21:34:49 GMT

I am soon donn aupdate the blog again, just haven´t been feeling like telling anyone about my life and feelings in the last four weeks...

I am sorry about it, but I have my privacy aswell.

Thanks for accepting. Or letting it be.

Alright. Over. Never again. Forget it.

Sun, 07 Oct 2007 16:48:41 GMT

Now it is over. He fucked it up. I will NEVER let him get close to me. It is over, and it is his fault. He ruined it. It is not my fault. And no, I am fucking not prude. Call me whatever you want. But I am completely pissed now.

Am I not enough for him? Does he have to send my friend messages like saying when seeing a pic of her that he´s get hungry of her and what about meeting alone somewhen? HELLO? That are my friends, and surely, he cannot think that I get to know that...

Sure, we just have a fuckign relationship, but honestly, no. We don´t have one anymore. Finished. Over. Game over. Yes, game. I didn´t think that I was his only "victim", but sorry, not my friends who don´t want to get messages like this.

I feel frustrated somehow. Angry. Disappointed. Confused. Empty-minded. Prude. Sad.

And no you idiot, I am not going to visit you anymore again. No, I am not going to look into my parents´ eyes again and lie. Never again. This is not worth the whole, it really isn´t. And I am sure there are other males out here, who´d fuck me. Surely. I don´t need him. I never needed him. But all this talking doesn´t mean I am regretting. No. But this writing just states that this will never be repeated, no matter how sex-less I am living. Rather I am dying without having had sex for year and whatever than do that again. No.

I get sick when I hear what he writes to other people, I really do. And I actually would love to slap him for that. And leave the online mag. Leave everything behind what connects us.

Fuck yourself you idiot.

Stop that shit!

Sat, 06 Oct 2007 12:32:34 GMT

Fast!

"heh trust me i'm in the kinda know too and not gonna type 456 pages long and sophisticated post about everything i think and feel about it. it's enough that my opinion is fully reasonable to me. and it's is 100% determined: i'm with _the_band_ and never with mr Mikojan from now on.

it sure doesn't mean that i won't check out his solo album when it's out and stuff.

people who used to be the fans of _the_band_ and who turned out to be the singer's worshippers only, those who don't care who plays the instruments as far as the singer still is Matthau The Greatest And The Cutest, The Brother of You-Know-Who, and let others burn in hell - that's what amazes me.

ok, you may say 1000000 "you're wrong"-words.. maybe the reason is that i was a bit more into this stuff than i should had been, and also becuz i love and respect wholeheartedly all the BP guys except Mikojan."

It is fascinating how STUPID and IGNORANT people on phorums can be. Really, it is fascinating.

Pretending to know masses- that´s what I got used to by this person, this is not bothering me anymore since I lost sort of respect for this person anyways already ages before. But now what this something is writing is PISSING ME OFF. It really does.

I did NOT only use to be a fan of the BAND, I still AM and this will NEVER change. And FUCK YOU, I am NOT into Matthau. I have never been, I´ve just been appreciating his work as I did it with Paavo, Alarik and Aleksi- not more, not less. I´d never dare to. He was a part of this bands as all of the other guys, not more or fucking less. And I care a SHIT about him being Sir´s brother, I fucking don´t care who are his damned relatives, his fucking friends, his girlfriend or who the hell. I FUCHKING DON´T CARE!

Let the others burn in hell- fascinating how a person can write such a shit. May they all go and burn in hell, fuck you. It is all or nothing, not just Matthau. No, and I´ve never been that way and I know that. Many people can state that aswell. I´ve been a fan of the band, consisitng of those 4 members called Alarik, Matthau, Aleksi and Paavo. And I´ve not been the person sort of stalking Masa and bothering him. N, it´s not been me, no. It was this person. So wait a second- what was the band about? This person said it would have been all about the whole band for the person- strange, this person mostly talked about Masa and not a shit about the band.

And then: everyone else the person does worship more than Matthau. What a second! Did this person not state before she loved the band as a band and as a whole? Strange she is dissing Matthau now.

And you know what? I FUCKING don´t care whose fault it is that Bloodpit broke apart, I don´t care. Everyone related to this is human, humans are humans and do have mistakes, no matter what. You don´t have to say it is good what happened, you don´t have to agree with things- but hell, things happened and now Matthau´s doing his own project- where is the problem?

SHouldn´t people, once fans, be happy that he maybe found his happiness and good old times back by doing this? Is this maybe what makes him happy? Shouldn´t we be happy for him that he found possibly back to what he wants?

Fuck you you ignorant idiots- I will support every guy of the band called Bloodpit- no matter whose fault it was. Things pass by, break apart, end. And new things start. That´s the natural way of a life, no matter what sort of life. Let´s go and accept it.

round-trip...

Fri, 05 Oct 2007 21:10:17 GMT

If you won two free round-trip plane tickets anywhere in the world, where would you go and who would you bring?

View 500 Answers

A one-way ticket to TREor HKI. and marry ville. or sabah.

*lol*

Hurricane Season (by Deep Insight)

Fri, 05 Oct 2007 17:51:32 GMT

Round and round again.

You must fell pretty proud

speeding to your end.

Driving from dusk'til dawn.

Searching for another teenage relationship.

Same old people, same old town.

Same old questions why.

Poeple spending all their time

living without lives.

You have to have the right style and a haircut,

to be able to join their little club.

Come here get rid of your past.

This town gives you a free pancake salvation.

People spending all their time,

living without lives.

People spending all

their lives, living without time

Leaving it behind now. I'm free now.

Leaving it behind now. I'm fine now.

Being back in Germany is...

Thu, 04 Oct 2007 20:01:00 GMT

horrible. I cannot tell you how hate I the fact that I am back- Obviously back in this intolerant and ignorant and fucked up country.

How I "missed" people staring at me when sitting in the tram and being dressed just black and having dark finger nails. HOW I FUCKING HATE YOU, YOU IDIOTS AND IGNORANT FUCKERS!

I had the feeling I was normal when I was in Tampere, I felt like ahuman being which was accepted the way I am. I was. And it felt great.

Now being back it is the same old shit again -.-. Intolerant people staring at me, showing how they dislike the way I am dressed and giving myself. It hurts, it really does. And then I wonder where my self-confidence is gone? Do I? No, actually after those few days being back in Germany I know that I am a different person when I feel like being accepted. And this is not like this in Germany. I cannot be myself here, I just can´t. And if I am, then I get shown that I am goign the wrong way in the society´s eyes...actually I shouldn´t mind, but still, it pissed me off.

I felt so home, so normal. I feel like I am abroad instead of home. This feeling sucks, it pushes tears in my eyes. But that is reality and not the dream. And reality can be cruel and hurting, can be hard and unacceptable.

Why am I actually in German? I am a name on a list of inhabitants, a person existing on the paper. But the real person is not living, it is dead until I go to Finland and only then it rises.

Good and bad sides of this day

Mon, 24 Sep 2007 19:15:47 GMT

Let´s start with good things of this day...

I passed my driving test though being completely nervous...I passed wil excellence as the guy testing me told me afterwards...that´s pretty amazing I´d say :D

And another good thing is that tomorrow I am leaving for Finland <3

BAd things I´d call that I feel somehow fucked up, used, not understood, dunno. It is scary how much little things to lately affect my mood and make me cry. It really does scare me. Every little problem or wrong said word makes me nearly cry, that is not normal...mostly it is because of one person, but it cannot go on like this, it cannot be bringing me down...it is just a fucking person, nothing more. But lately I wonder if everything I did was ok, I ask myself if it was good to choose that way or not. I fear my way was wrong, once more. Why do I feel hurt by one wrong word, one- just...shit, I am sitting here and crying- it is all simply too much for me right at the moment. All the stress, all the pressure, all the test, classtest and whatsoever. The packing stress. I cannot take things anymore, I am on my knees and begging for some relaxxing in Finland. I need to find back to myself again. I need to figure out again what I need and what I want. I need to figure out which way I wanna follow and which one´s I possibly shouldn´t follow (anymore).

I am pissed that my boss concerning online-mag-work sort of set the interview with Apocalyptica for Cologne though I said I would do it rather in Amsterdam or Brussels. But no, do it in Cologne. Told him a thousand times that it is very stressing then, but no...kiitos...idiot. I know, I shouldn´t call anyone an idiot because of such a stupid matter, but right at the moment I just feel like doing that...

I need silence....

Sun, 23 Sep 2007 15:38:35 GMT

Today is a completely boring day...got up quite late, didn´t eat breakfast but already lunch *lol*.

What I did in between? Uhm well, computer, computer- and lemme think- computer again^^ ;)

I should have probably learned my finnish vocabulary, but I am too lazy and simply feeling completely strange the whoel day long...I don´t know where it comes from, but well, I cannot deny this feeling...

It is the nervousity of tomorrow´s driving test, the happiness of my flight to Finland, the sadness about me not doing the Uniklubi-interview, the annoyment that the interview with Nitrokiss still has no real plan (when)...yeah.

In my heart I feel like missing someone but I really, I swear, I have no clue who it is I am missing. It could be so many people actually. Fuck, why am I sitting here and crying? What is hurting me silently, silently cutting my heart into two? What is wrong again with me? It gets annoying...Hm, maybe I just need to get away from here, I need to go home, got to where I feel alright and where I can be myself...where I feel not guilty, just where I am strong enough to be myself and go my own way and not someone else´s way...

Going to shower today, listen to music...tidy up my room...and I think that´s it already for today´s plans...

Papa Roach VIDEOS

Sat, 22 Sep 2007 20:02:29 GMT